Best Laid Plans
by Sakura's Unicorn
Summary: Sai's gone too far this time! So, Sakura teams up with Sasuke to plot revenge on their socially inept teammate. But how did their best plans lead them into Sai's cramped, dark closet? Post-canon SasuSaku. One-shot.


Sakura almost dropped her tea when she found him sitting on her couch.

"Damn it, Sasuke! I have a door, you know."

Grunting, he took her cup and sipped.

"And this isn't a teashop."

He handed the cup back and she smiled into the tea, making sure to put her lips exactly where his had been.

"What's this?" She touched the silky bandana marked with a Leaf shinobi insignia. "Going for a new look?"

"No." He took another swig of her tea. "Can you fix it?"

"Fix what?" Sakura teasingly tugged on the long bangs peeking out of his new hitai-ate.

"Promise you won't…" He frowned, gazing distantly at his hands. Her playfulness evaporated.

"Sasuke-kun, what happened?"

"_Sai_ happened."

"Sai?"

With a long exhale, Sasuke unfolded the story. "The chief moron—"

"Naruto?"

"—thought it would be good for our _relationship_," he enclosed the word with finger quotes and a sneer, "if Sai and I went on a mission alone. Idiot." He took another sip of their tea. "We make camp and he comes back to the site carrying a _log_. Says it's for the fire."

Sakura snickered at Sai's antics and Sasuke's short temper.

"After explaining to him _calmly_ how inappropriate it is, he says he's bringing it back to where he found it. I'm about to tell him to leave it right there, like a normal person would, and he turns. The tree smashes me in the back of the head. He said it was an accident, but…that face of his…Sakura, I just want to punch it in."

"So, what happened? Were you hurt badly?"

"I was knocked out. Woke up in a civilian doctor's office with forty stitches in the back of my head. Can you fix it?"

He tugged on the knot, letting the bandana fall into his lap.

"Oh…my…Sasuke-kun! Your hair!"

Sakura thought she was going to cry. The back of Sasuke's head looked like a prickly baseball, covered in stubble and stitches. _All those beautiful spikes…gone._ Tentatively, she touched his scalp.

"Can you fix it?"

"The stitches?"

"Sakura," he growled. "_My hair_. Fix my hair."

The last trait she ever would've assigned to Sasuke was vanity. She almost laughed, picturing him in front of his mirror, perfecting the seductive anarchy on his head with a blow-dryer and hair gel.

"I'm a medic, not a hairdresser, Sasuke-kun." He wilted and her heart broke. "But you look really good in the bandana." His shoulders slumped. "And your hair grows really fast. Look!" She rubbed the back of his stubbly head. "It's already coming in. I'm sure it'll be back before you know it."

"Thanks anyway." He set her cup down and retied his hitai-ate.

"Wait!" Sakura hated seeing him so down. "Let me look. I can at least take the stitches out."

Slipping off the bandana, she flared her chakra. Stitches dissolved and flesh mended without the slightest trace of a scar. She spread her hand wide across the back of his head. In her daydreams of their first kiss, Sakura always imagined burying her hand in that soft, black forest. Silently, she cursed Sai—he was socially inept and sometimes rude, but he wasn't stupid. He knew what he was doing when he allowed that doctor to shave Sasuke's head. Something dark and malevolent wound around her heart—_revenge_.

"He's going to pay," said Sasuke. She looked into his narrowed eyes. Red stars glowed back at her. "He's going to pay, Sakura."

She ran her hand one last time across his head, the bristle of stubble solidifying her resolve.

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun. I have a plan."

* * *

Sasuke fidgeted in the chair, patting his vest pocket to assure himself the envelope of powder was still there. "You're sure this'll be enough?"

"Of course!" said Sakura, rolling her eyes. "I know what I'm doing, Sasuke-kun. Taking his weight into account and the method of delivery, I'm one-hundred percent sure it'll do exactly what we want it to."

He nodded, glad for the reassurance because this certainly wasn't the kind of revenge he was used to. Sasuke preferred the quick strike—crushing adversaries with his bare hands or running them through with Kusanagi. But Sakura had a plan. A deviously brilliant plan.

His eyes slid to her creased forehead and downturned mouth. _Not what I expected from pure, innocent Sakura._ Sasuke pressed laced fingers against his mouth to hide a wicked grin as Sai appeared in the chair beside her._ So not like her_.

"Good evening, Baldie. Hag. You're both looking especially dour tonight. Has your unnaturally repressed sexual frustration reached a new peak?" He smiled and Sasuke wanted more than ever to punch him square in the face, but he cooled—vengeance took patience. "Perhaps you should—how did Kakashi-sempai put it—fuck and get it over with."

"He said _what_?!"

Sakura went red. She was clearly much closer to punching Sai than he was. Sasuke wrapped his hand around her clenched fist under the table and she stilled. "Let's order."

"Shouldn't we wait for Naruto?"

He turned to Sakura for help, but she was hiding behind a menu. "He's, uh, not coming." Sasuke was a terrible liar. _This'll never work_.

"These team dinners were his idea. And he doesn't show up? That sounds," Sai tilted his head, "_strange_."

"Being Hokage is a demanding job," Sakura sniffed. "Sai, you know how Naruto feels about our bonds. He would want us to have a team dinner even if he couldn't be here. You don't want to disappoint him, do you?"

Sai was incredibly devoted to Naruto. As much as he disparaged his private parts and prodded him to angry outbursts, his loyalty to everything Naruto believed in was unyielding. Sakura hit his most vulnerable spot. Sasuke smirked. _Cunning and quick._

"The weekly Team Seven dinner," a smiling Ayame announced as she appeared tableside.

Sakura added, "Team Seven minus one, unfortunately."

"It's tough to be Hokage, don't you think, Sai?"

Sasuke looked up from his menu when a strange, gurgling noise came from across the table. Sai's abnormally pale skin was now a bright fuchsia. _What the hell? Is he having a reaction to the drug?_ In a rush of panic, Sasuke slapped his hand over the envelope of powder in his pocket. _Wait. We haven't given it to him yet. Then what…_

"A c-curry ramen, please."

Looking confused as Sai stuttered past her question, Ayame plucked the menu from his quaking grip. "Okaaay. And for you guys?"

"Two tonkatsu ramen, thanks. Oh, and could we get a round of beer?"

Sai's skin returned to its regular, pasty state when Ayame left the table, but pinked up again when she returned with three cold bottles. Sakura held one in the air. "To lessons learned." When her bottle hit the table, it was empty. "Drink up," she encouraged, tilting Sai's beer against his lips with a finger.

Sasuke stared at her intently, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. _We agreed to put the drug in his ramen, not get him drunk._ _What's she thinking?_ She locked eyes with him and, with the smallest gesture, directed him to follow her lead. Grabbing his beer, he chugged until it was gone, slammed it down, and eyed Sai challengingly. Sai returned his narrowed gaze and gulped down every drop. Sakura gestured and Ayame returned with a second round.

"To justice."

Sai emptied another, belched, and asked, "Is this a new ritual, Ugly? Toasting each round?"

"It's customary among friends. Or haven't you read that part of _Socializing for Simpletons_?" She flashed him a fake smile. "No? Then let me explain. It's important to drink everything in your glass for each toast. If you don't, then whatever you're toasting to won't come true. It's similar to birthday wishes."

Seeing the skepticism in Sai's expression, Sasuke hoisted his bottle. "To the Hokage and his new shinobi world." He smirked as Sai eagerly sucked down his third beer.

Ayame rounded the corner with their steaming bowls just as Sai excused himself.

"Do it now!" Sakura hissed.

Sasuke ripped open the envelope and poured the white powder into Sai's soup, prodding it with his chopsticks to be sure it dissolved. _I had no idea how to distract him. Filling him with beer so he had to go to the bathroom— _

"You're really smart."

The words fell out of his mouth before he could reel them back. When Sakura blushed and grinned, a wave of heat burned across Sasuke's skin. _Too much to drink_, he thought and itched the stubble under his bandana. He tried to refocus on their plan—_revenge—_but he kept returning to Sakura's happy smile. When Sai came back to the table, however, his own bladder demanded attention.

"I'll be right back." Sakura seemed to have the same need and they raced to the restrooms. He grabbed her elbow before she made it through the door. "Should we leave him alone out there?"

"He'll be fine. He's got to eat the ramen before anything happens. There's plenty of time for him to walk home before he passes out." Her eyes sparkled with gleeful malevolence. "Then we shave him bald."

When Sasuke returned to their table, he found Sai gone and Naruto in his place.

"Hey, you bastard. Where's Sakura-chan?"

"Right here," she said, easing into a chair. "Naruto, what're you doing here?"

"Where's Sai?" Sasuke demanded.

"I didn't know you cared so much about Sai. See! I knew I was right to send you two on a mission together." Satisfied with his leadership skills, Naruto sat back, his hands tucked behind his head. "Cool bandana, Sasuke. Going for a new look?"

"I asked where he went, idiot."

"Umm…he said something about you two and your…what was it? Your _oppressive atmosphere of carnal desire_? What does that even mean, Sakura-chan? Anyway, he left to get art supplies."

"N-Naruto? Was Sai's bowl full when you got here?"

He rubbed his belly. "Couldn't let good ramen go to waste."

Sasuke's eyes went wide. "You ate it?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"You ate it all?"

"Mm-hmm." He poked at Sasuke's bowl. "You gonna finish that?" Without waiting for an answer, Naruto tucked into his friend's ramen.

Sasuke looked at Sakura. Her expression mirrored his—blind, screaming panic.

She stood up, tugging on Naruto's sleeve. "I need you to come back to my place right now. I have to show you something really important."

He looked momentarily confused and then his eyes slid to Sasuke's, brows wiggling suggestively. "Sakura-chan? You know I'm with Hinata, right?"

Gripping him by the collar, she growled, "Move it, Naruto!" and pushed him out the door.

"But…all that wasted ramen!"

* * *

A deep, rumbling snore pounded through Sakura's head as she massaged her temples. "We'll just have to wait until after midnight and sneak him into his bed."

"He lives in Hokage Tower, Sakura. How the hell are we going to get a drugged Hokage past ANBU without getting executed?"

"I'm working on that, Sasuke." She rubbed her forehead, irritated. _Why the hell is it my job to come up with all the plans?_ "And stop pacing. It's giving me a headache."

"Sorry." He sat down, knee bouncing rapidly.

"Really?" She gripped his leg like a vise. "That's not helping."

Sasuke jumped up and began pacing again. "I should've just beaten the shit out of Sai. I'm not used to planning."

"That's a laugh. Aren't you the one who spent a lifetime plotting vengeance? Shouldn't you be better at this?"

Sasuke stopped, folded his arms, and exhaled deeply. "You're right. Let me think."

"No." She patted the couch beside her. "The problem is that we're tackling this alone. We need to plan together, pool our assets."

"Kakashi did say that teamwork is an important shinobi skill," he said as he sat, sliding his arm across the back of the couch behind her.

"H-he did say that, didn't he?" She laughed nervously when he shifted closer and their knees bumped.

"How you like that, stupid Kiba?"

Something rank burned her nostrils.

"Stink bomb for ya! That's for sniffing 'round Hinata's skirt, ya mutt!"

They leapt off the couch, Sakura pinching her nose and Sasuke waving his hand. Naruto threw punches at the air as he dreamed of fighting off his perceived rival.

"That idiot."

"Ugh," Sakura gagged. "Who knew Naruto was so lethal?"

"We should ship him to a deserted island."

A light bulb went off in Sakura's head. "That's it, Sasuke-kun!"

"Great. Wait—what?"

* * *

Sakura could hear Sasuke grunting behind her with every step as they hauled the heavy, wooden crate toward Hokage Tower. A woman in a porcelain bird mask stopped them at the front gate.

"Halt! State your business."

"Shinobi number 012601." She set down her end of the box and flicked her head toward Sasuke. "And 012606. We have a delivery from the Kazekage."

"Hokage Tower's closed. Bring it back in the morning."

"This package is highly confidential. It's to be delivered directly to the Hokage."

"It's midnight. The Hokage is sleeping."

"I'm sure he is." Sakura struggled to keep a straight face when Sasuke snorted.

"Bring it to the office tomorrow."

Sakura shrugged. "Fine. And your shinobi number, please? I just want the Hokage to know exactly which ANBU he'll have to thank for delaying the top-secret, urgent delivery he's been waiting for. The delivery that could have international ramifications and affect the entire—"

"Hang on." She turned aside and whispered into a mouthpiece. "All right. You're cleared."

Grinning, Sakura picked up the box again. "Thanks."

Once they were past the guard and inside Naruto's private chambers, Sasuke murmured, "You're good at that."

"At what? Lying?" She chuckled, using a kunai to pry the lid off the box. "It's a skill, I suppose."

"Not lying. You think quickly."

Sakura glowed in the darkened room as they hauled a drooling Naruto out of the crate and into his bed.

* * *

"Why the hell doesn't he have any furniture?" Sasuke shoved aside a blanket and tried to resituate himself. "There's nothing in that room except easels and paint."

"We should be glad Sai has a closet to hide in. And that it's not too small."

He thought the pitch-black, overstuffed closet he and Sakura squeezed themselves into in Sai's apartment definitely qualified as _too small_, but decided not to argue. _If we're going to catch that asshole sleeping and shave him down, we could be stuck in here for a long time._

"When's he coming home?" he asked, hoping the answer was _soon_. Sasuke had never thought of himself as claustrophobic, but his heart was beating a little faster than normal.

Her shoulder shrugged against him. "I checked the schedule on Naruto's desk before we left the Tower last night—Sai's got today off. He could be home any minute or hours from now."

"Great."

An exasperated exhale tickled Sakura's hair against his cheek. He lifted one hand and then the other to scratch, but was blocked each time by the confined space. Sasuke scrunched his face, fighting against the itch. Frustration mounting, he was seconds away from bursting out of the closet when something gently scraped his cheekbone.

"How's that?"

Distantly, he heard himself say, "A little more." His belly swooped when she smiled and continued softly tracing her fingernails in circles on his cheek. They both startled when the apartment door banged open.

"I don't understand why _my_ life has to be put on the line for this."

Sakura mouthed Sai's name and turned to listen.

"Because it's important to our team." He didn't need Sakura to tell him that voice belonged to the village's most moronic Hokage...but what were they talking about? "And your life isn't exactly on the line, you know."

"They want to shave my head. That's equivalent to sexual suicide."

"What?!"

"The only women who are attracted to bald men are desperate hags."

"That's just stupid. Where'd you hear that?"

Sasuke heard pages ruffling. "Here."

"Sai, you can't trust anything you read in _Icha Icha_. I thought Sakura explained that to you."

"I've decided that I can't trust anything _she_ says, Naruto. What does Sakura know about romance? She's never been kissed, never even had a boyfriend." Sakura's cheeks reddened, her hands closing into fists. "No, I prefer listening to Jiraiya-sama's expert advice."

"You do know that the Pervy Sage looked a lot more than he touched, right? So I don't know if I'd call him an expert. Maybe an expert at peeping." Sai made no audible response and Naruto continued, "Anyway, back to the mission at hand. I think our next move should be aimed at her. He's suffered enough for now."

"I still think my plan was a good one." Sai sounded defensive.

"Spilling his brains on the forest floor then letting some horse doctor shave his head was not a good plan."

Sakura shifted to her tiptoes to whisper in Sasuke's ear. "He had your wound healed by a _veterinarian_? I'm going to kill him."

"A good shinobi knows when the odds are against him. It's time to pull out of this mission."

"What?! No! Listen, this is the most important mission we've ever had." Sai chuffed dismissively. "Seriously! The two of them will never get together if we don't help."

Sasuke felt Sakura's whole body tense against his, his heart thumping in response. _When will they shut up and leave, so we can get out of this damn closet?!_

"Naruto, we're not even sure how he feels about her."

"That's just because Sasuke doesn't talk much. But I made him talk." Sasuke paled as he realized what Naruto was about to reveal. "He told me that Sakura 'battles gracefully and her strategies are genius.'"

"That's racy smut-talk for Uchiha." Sai snorted and Naruto guffawed loudly.

_I told that moron those things in confidence! _Sasuke closed his eyes, unable to look at Sakura. _I never meant Sakura to hear that…at least, not like this. _

"Did you really say that, Sasuke-kun?"

Her lips kissed his ear with each syllable, making it impossible to breathe, let alone speak, so he jerked his head forward in an awkward nod.

"I'm thinking Sasuke needs to see that he's not the only game in town. What if someone else makes a move on Sakura?"

"Who do you have in mind?"

"He already knows that Lee would kill for her. And Kiba would go for anything in a skirt." There was a prolonged silence. "Hey! Does he know about the guy who wrote Sakura that love letter during the war?"

Sakura's face snapped up to his, head shaking as if willing Naruto to stop talking or Sasuke to stop hearing.

"I believe there is a name for that particular type of love. Where the patient falls for the doctor," Sai mused.

"Yeah, it's called Kinky Pervert Syndrome. If I got my hands on that guy, I'da snapped his neck!" Silently, Sasuke agreed with Naruto as something big and feral bared its fangs inside his chest. "What if we write a fake response from Sakura and let Sasuke find it?"

"But she sent the letter-writer away. Miss Beautiful said she told the guy she was in love with someone else." Sakura's head dropped to her chest, thoroughly mortified.

"Sasuke doesn't know that, though. He never talks to Ino. He says she's always trying to put her hands on him in, you know…places she shouldn't."

"That pig," Sakura hissed.

"I don't know, Naruto. I think if we just lock them in a room, they'll eventually figure out that they both want each other."

"You don't know Sasuke. I know how he feels about Sakura. I mean, he jumps in front of kunai during _spars_ to protect her!" She raised her head slowly and looked at him with those huge, questioning eyes. "But he barely talks about _anything_. Could you imagine him asking her on a date?"

Sakura bit her lip bashfully and Sasuke's heart skipped.

"As their teammates, it's up to us to make sure they're happy, Sai. Even if it means breaking their skulls. It's what Kakashi-sensei would call teamwork. So, do we have a plan?"

"What's needed, Naruto, is less planning and more action."

_He's right!_

"Sakura," Sasuke blurted before his brain could stop him. "Would you—" His tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth. "Do…you…" Each word was a struggle. "…want…"

_Shit! Just say it! _With a vigorous, head-clearing shake, he tried again. "Do you like curry?"

If his hands weren't pinned by the confined space, Sasuke would've slapped his forehead in disgust. _I'm an idiot!_ But when Sakura blushed and nodded, a strange tingle shivered through him, giving him the strength to continue. "Then will you eat some?" Her brows puckered in confusion before he hurriedly added, "…with me?"

"Sasuke-kun," she whispered and what little hair he had stood on end. "I'd love to."

He swallowed and nodded. "Okay."

Small fingers tucked themselves inside his sweaty fist. "Okay."

He wasn't sure how long they hid in that closet, but when they finally left, it was night. On a futon behind some easels, Sai slept soundly. Sakura slipped her hand from Sasuke's and crept closer to their teammate, snatching up a brush and a bottle of ink on the way. He waited until she returned, a mischievous light in her eyes.

Once on the street, Sakura boldly threaded her fingers with his, making him both nervous and exhilarated.

"So…now what?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow and she added, "With us," as she looked from their joined hands back to his face.

He smirked. "Don't worry, Sakura. I have plans."

* * *

Sai couldn't understand why Konoha's female population seemed so strange this morning. Women, both young and old, looked at him and either goggled or giggled.

_Must be my animal magnetism_, he thought, silently thanking Jiraiya for his illuminating advice. _I should stop by Ichiraku. Ayame won't be able to resist me today. _He hooked his thumbs in his belt and strutted down the Leaf's main street, winking at every girl along the way.

He settled onto a stool at the ramen bar and watched his favorite waitress skillfully balance bowls of soup on a tray. _Such grace_, he thought wistfully, imagining his goddess in various _Icha Icha_ poses. When she finally came to take his order, she flipped open her pad…and froze.

"Sai?!"

_She's noticed my stronger-than-usual level of attraction._ _She's putty in my hands. I'm going for the big strike!_

"Ayame, I'll take two orders of miso ramen," he leaned over the counter and took her chin in his hand, "and one beautiful waitress...to go."

Her wide-eyed, gape-mouthed shock drew into a furious scowl. "Sai! You…_pervert_!"

In the split-second before she clanged him over the head with a sizeable pot, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in its shiny surface. Backwards letters reversed themselves in his brain as he deciphered the bold scrawl on his forehead and cheeks.

_BEWARE OF PERVERT!_

And in much smaller letters across his chin, _Revenge is sweet! Love, Baldie and His Desperate Hag._

* * *

I've revised and rewritten this story more times than I can tell you, but through it all, Unicorn Paige has read it, corrected it, improved it, and read it all over again. Thanks so much, Paige, for your tireless efforts...and for having a big, frozen fish.

Writing is coming slowly lately, so I'm sorry for not posting much. I will try to rectify that by working on a new chaptered fic. Hope you all can stay with me while I work through this! Thanks!

I'd like to dedicate this story to The Scarlett Ribbon who has SasuSaku feels in abundance.


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